The most significant event was the passing of my mother last September. It was truly a heart wrenching experience. Many of you who know me know that my relationship with my mother was difficult. We loved each other very much, but we had a difficult time spending long periods of time together. We were both strong willed, independent and opinionated. She wanted her way and I wanted mine. Ultimately this caused way too many disagreements and misunderstandings. These times of turmoil I now realize were a total waste of time for us both.
In those last days, sitting in her hospital room, it became all too apparent we had spend far too many times being frustrated with each other, arguing or not speaking. When they told us we would have 2 to 12 months on hospice, I resolved myself to make it the best time we had ever had. I was going to make sure she was able to do anything and everything she wanted. I was going to let her eat anything with complete disregard for her diabetes. I was not going to nag or lecture about checking her blood sugar, taking her medications or anything else that I had said or done that drove her crazy. Instead of 2 to 12 months, we got 2 days. Forty-eight hours and she was gone.
In that moment, I realized there would never be another memory to make. My heart split in two and I sobbed. I sobbed not just because she was gone, but because I did not make the most of the time we did have together. I felt guilty and ashamed at how I had spoken to her so many times in the past. It hit me like a million bricks that my mother loved me unconditionally. She loved with her whole self. It did not matter how great my accomplishments or how poorly I behaved, she loved me. The only soul on earth who would love me that way.
The only other person I knew who would do that for me was Jesus.
The lesson was learned too late. Honor your father and mother. I had no more chances to make things right. No more opportunity to show her that I loved and respected her for who she was as my parent and as a person. The grief increased as all these realizations hit. The next few months were the darkest I have ever had. My father had passed away five years prior and while I missed him it just wasn't the same. I was adopted at birth and never had any brothers or sisters. My mother has a rather large family, but it just seemed as if I was now flying solo in the world. My husband, church family and extended family were amazingly supportive, but there was still a huge feeling of being left all alone.
Now, as I am pulling myself up and putting the pieces back together I can see light. There is much to do in my service to Christ. I still have contributions to make. One of them is to tell this story. For all you daughters out there who struggle in your relationship with your mother heed my words. Do not waste time arguing, disagreeing, being frustrated or silent. Spend each moment honoring your mother. Make the most of every second. Hug her, tell her you love her, and let her know that you are grateful for what she has done in your life. One day the opportunity to do these things is gone and there are no more chances.
The last words my mom heard were the words to the song "All I Have is Christ". She loved it when I sang. I spent most of my time telling her no because I was embarrassed that I really didn't sing that well. To her, I was the most beautiful songbird in the world. So I sang and I sang loud. I couldn't remember all the words and I repeated some of the lines several times. My last memory is her last breath as I sang, "Til He returns or calls me home". My hearts prayer is that I ushered her into heaven with my voice.
Giving him glory and telling my story,
Mally
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