The 80/20 rule.

Sometimes it is the 80/20 rule, sometimes it is 90/10 or even 99/1. It is the age old adage of 20% of the people do 80% of the work. You know what I am talking about right?! Do you feel like that is you at work, at church, at home? I know I feel that way at times.

My girlfriend called yesterday and asked if she could whine. Sure, that's what girlfriends are for right. So she told the tale of how she was the 20% and how someone wanted even more. When my friend tried to say no, it seemed like the person was mad. My friend wasn't recognized for what she had already done over the last 10 days, nor what she still would be doing over the next 3, nor for the fact that there may be other obligations she needed to address today outside of this one event. She was mad at herself because when she tried to say no, she felt like she had to make excuses for the no. Then she felt guilty she had said no. Then she was mad that she felt guilty. My friend is not a slacker. She does her part and she does it well. She often takes on more than she should. We all know how that turns out right. Eventually, something suffers. Maybe it is your family, your job, your home, and maybe even yourself.

Balance is a very challenging thing to achieve. We feel like we have to give 100% at work because we are being paid to do a job. We feel like we have to give 100% to our children because they are our responsibility and we want them to be happy, healthy and to succeed in life. We feel like we have to give 100% at church because we are serving the Lord. I don't know about you, but I don't have 300% to give. Besides, that is only 3 of an infinite number of places we need to give. I would love to be giving 100% to my health, my crafts, my friends. I know now after many years, I can't. I have to prioritize and some weeks those priorities are different than the next. Unfortunately, many times some things which need to be a priority are always pushed to the back burner. Even worse than that, is the time I waste that could be used to actually do more things.

Several of my friends have had their first baby over this last year. Every one of them has struggled with adapting to life as a new mommy. Many of them work a full time job and serve at church among other things. They get very little sleep the first few months and life is a pretty constant, feed the baby, change the baby, get the baby to sleep. One new mom couldn't believe that it took her until 11am to get herself showered and dressed. Each one of them has learned to do things differently to accommodate needy little ones. They will continue to find ways to re-incorporate life back into the routine. Each one of them though, has had a marked shift in priorities. It isn't that the things before baby are no longer important, just that the amount of time they want or can devote has changed. I told my friend that today's society doesn't encourage women to make their home and family THE priority. Women are suppose to be in the workforce, making a name for themselves in corporate America. They are suppose to be fighting for equal rights, equal pay, equal whatever. Don't think for a minute that I am saying there is anything wrong with being a woman in the business world. What I am saying is that there is nothing wrong with choosing not to be in the working world. A woman who chooses to stay home and take care of her children is just as significant. They just have different priorities.

So that being said, what do we do about the 80/20 dilemma? I asked my friend if she felt that she had given of herself the appropriate amount of time to this event? She indicated she thought she had. So I told her she had no reason to feel guilty about saying no. I also told her there was no excuse she needed to give for the, "No I can't stay today". This holds true for you as well. You are the only one who knows how much is on your plate. You are the only one who knows how much time each item requires of you. You are the only one who can prevent others from taking advantage of you. How do you do this, by saying "No." You don't have to be ugly about it, you don't have to give an excuse, just smile and say "No thank you." 

We often wonder why more people don't step up to the plate and offer to help.  My husband and I have had a few conversations on this matter over the past several years.  Sometimes it is the simple fact they haven't been asked.  Not everyone is a self starter.  They don't know where to pitch in, they don't want to be in the way, or they aren't sure there talents are useful in the situation.  So just ask.  The opposite of that is the worker bees are notorious for saying "No, I am fine" or "No, thanks I've got it" or "No I am almost done, but thanks".  So what does that do to the one who offered?  It strips them of an opportunity.  If they hear it enough, they don't offer any more.  My husband is fast learning people want to bless you by helping, but you have to allow them to bestow the blessing.  It doesn't matter how small the offer - it is still a blessing to you and an encouragement to them. 

In the end there, is only one person you will report to on your choices. He is not going to want an account of the number of things you said yes to. He is; however, going to want to see that what you did, you did with a joyful heart. Overcommitment typically leads to lack of enthusiasm, poor outcome and often bitterness and resentment. That is not the attitude you want to be known for is it!   

In His service
Mally